Monday is Punday

So a Guy walks into a costume party with a women on his back. He said I’m a turtle. Someone asked why do you have a women on your back? He said that’s Michelle.

turtle

 

If you don’t get it, say it out loud… 🙂

 

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Another Funny…

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone’s attention.

“Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?”, he asks.

“What’s he look like?” asks a drunken cowboy at the bar.

The sheriff replied, “He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket.”

“So what’s he wanted for?” asks the cowboy.

“Rustlin’…” replies the sheriff.

Proud Dad

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the
first woman, as President of the United States.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her
father in Kentucky and says, ‘So, Dad, I assume you will be
coming to my inauguration?’

‘I don’t think so. It’s a long drive, your mother isn’t as young
as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.’

‘Don’t worry about it Dad, I’ll send Air Force One to pick
you up and take you home.  And a limousine will pick you up
at your door.’

‘I don’t know.  Everybody will be so fancy. What would your
mother wear?’

Oh Dad, she replies, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful
gown custom-made by the best designer in New York.

‘Honey,’ Dad complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich
foods you and your friends like to eat.’
The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Dad. The entire
affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York and
I’ll ensure your meals are salt free. Dad, I really want you to come..’

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, arrives to
see his daughter sworn in as President of the United States.
In the front row sits the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad
noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers,
‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible,
becoming President of the United States.’

The Senator whispers back, ‘Yes I do.’

Dad says proudly, ‘Her brother played basketball at UK.’

I Bet Someone Feels Really Embarassed..

The end of the world

*For Lexophiles (Lovers of Words) *

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully  recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

10. A calendar’s days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium
at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.

15. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d
dye.

18. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20 Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be
stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the  Grass.’

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Silly Hoosiers…

Two Hoosiers, Billy Bob and Jimmy Joe were fishing on their side of the Ohio River across from one lone Kentuckian on our side of the river.

Billy Bob yelled across the river, “Hey Kentuckian! What’s your name?”
“Clarence, what’s it to ya?” the Kentuckian replied.

The Hoosiers took offense to Clarence’s tone and Billy Bob yelled
again, “How ’bout I come over thar and kick yer ass, Kentuckian?”

Clarence said, “Suit yourself.”

So Billy Bob put down his pole, walked a ways down to the bridge, then came back and sat down next to his buddy.

Jimmy Joe said, “Billy Bob, I thought you was goin’ to kick that Kentuckian’s ass?” Billy Bob said, ” I sure ’nuff was, but I got to the bridge and the sign said Clarence – 10’9” so I said to heck with it!”

Cool Jokes for a Hot Day..

Making Music

Q:  Did you hear about the stupid pianist who kept banging his head against the keys?
A:  He was playing by ear.

Q:  What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.